


wish the day would start over

by kayamaya



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Date Rape, M/M, Rape Aftermath, non-youtube au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:35:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27565390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayamaya/pseuds/kayamaya
Summary: Dan likes to sleep around, and why shouldn’t he? His disapproving flatmate can spend his nights cooped up in their flat if he wants to, but Dan’s young, free, single and making the most of it. He’s doing just fine…until one day, he isn’t.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the TV series I May Destroy You, and deals with date rape (between Dan and OMC) and the aftermath - please proceed with caution if these issues are triggering for you in any way.

Dan’s staring intently at his phone, ruthlessly sorting through his options. Nah, too skinny…weird hair…slept with him before. He sees someone that catches his eye, pauses for a moment and scans the profile. No strings, top, can accommodate. Bingo. He smiles, and sends a message.

He’d stopped inviting blokes to his place a while back. His flatmate was constantly there, casting a disapproving eye over who came and went, making pointed comments. There had even been an attempt at an intervention of sorts at one point, with Phil earnestly telling Dan that he was worried about him, that the drinking and the drugs and the men were maybe just a little excessive. Dan had simply raised an eyebrow in response, smirking. “Didn’t realise you cared, mate,” he’d said blandly as he brushed past him and headed out for the night. That had been the last attempt at a civil conversation for quite a while.

Dan might have assumed he was homophobic except for the fact that he’d mentioned an ex boyfriend. Of course that was way back in the beginning when they actually used to talk to each other. Nowadays they barely spoke, apart from the odd grunt of acknowledgement when they happened to find themselves in the same room at the same time.

His phone buzzes and he scans the message. Excellent, they’re on. He has a quick shower, puts on ripped jeans and a black jumper.

“Off out?” Phil asks mildly, leaning against the kitchen doorframe. His face is a picture of innocence but the unspoken remainder of the sentence “At this time, on a Tuesday night?” hangs in the air between them.

“Yep,” Dan replies glibly, grabbing his jacket off the hook. “Don’t wait up!” and he lets the front door slam shut behind him.

The cool night air hits him as he reaches the pavement. There’s a sharpness to it that comes at this time of year, but it’s not unpleasantly cold.

Where the fuck is his Uber? Impatiently he looks down at his phone which shows the car should already have been waiting outside and then he spots it, parked just up the road. He gets in the back, gives a nod to the driver and then tucks his head down and stares at his phone, clearly signalling that he’s not in a chatty mood.

They speed through the dark streets, heading east along the Essex Road towards Dalston. Anticipation builds and tingles through his body. He’s got a good feeling about this hook up. The guy works out a lot, that much was obvious from his picture and he’d seemed to exude an air of confidence bordering on cockiness that Dan couldn’t help but find appealing.

The car stops, and Dan gives a quick “Cheers mate,” as he gets out. He double checks the address and then jogs up the steps at the front of the converted town house.

He rings the bell and a few seconds later the front door opens. The guy stands there, just in a pair of jeans, and folds his arms across his pretty impressive chest. He’s nearly as tall as Dan which makes a refreshing change. He gives Dan a once over, smiles.

“Nice,” he says, nodding appreciatively.

“Thanks,” Dan replies with a slow grin.

He follows the guy into the entrance hall and into his flat, shrugging off his jacket and throwing it over the arm of the sofa. It’s a pretty nice place, high ceilings and plenty of original features. Dan feels a pang of envy as he thinks about his shitty shared ex-council flat.

“You want a beer?” the guy asks.

Dan’s not interested in drinks and small talk. He walks up and into the guy’s personal space, tilting his head back so he can look at him from under long lashes.

“Let’s not bother,” he murmurs, voice low.

The guy gives a half-smile and nods. He leans in, lips brushing against Dan’s ear.

“You’re really pretty, you know that?” Then he’s behind him and steering him through the flat, into the dim light of the bedroom beyond.

Dan toes off his trainers, pulls his jumper over his head. He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, opens it then swears softly, throwing it down on the dresser.

“Shit, I thought I had something with me,”

The guy grabs his waist and starts walking him backwards, guiding him towards the bed. He nuzzles into his neck, pressing wet kisses into the skin.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says. “I’m clean.”

Dan puts his hands to the guy’s chest, makes some space between them.

“Sorry mate, not up for that,” he says, biting his lip. “Fuck. Maybe we could just – “.

The guy sighs. “OK, OK, hold on a sec,” he says, and leaves the room for a moment. Then he’s back, foil packet in his hand that’s thrown carelessly onto the bedside table.

“Alright?” the guy says, raising an eyebrow.

“Not yet, but I will be,” Dan smirks as he lets himself be pushed backwards and falls onto the bed.

Afterwards, they lay next to each other in the dark, getting their breath back. Dan was right, this guy really knew what he was doing. The guy leans over, puts on a lamp, opens a box on the bedside table and lights up a spliff. They share it in companionable silence, then they are touching again but it’s different than before, hands drifting over skin, slow messy kisses, exploring each other’s mouths and bodies in a way they hadn’t had time for before. Dan can feel himself starting to get hard again, cock pressed against the man’s thigh.

“Turn over,” the guy mumbles into Dan’s ear, and he isn’t really sure he wants to. The first time was just the right side of rough and he’s not really sure he’s up for round two if he wants to be able to walk straight tomorrow. Then again, he's feeling relaxed and floaty and not really in the mood to argue, so he rolls over and lays on his front, resting his head on his folded arms.

He can feel the guy moving behind him, pushing his thighs apart with his knee. He must have been mistaken earlier when he thought the guy had only brought one condom with him when he came back into the room.

“You’re using something, yeah?” he asks, turning his head to try and see what's going on. The guy doesn’t reply, but suddenly his full weight of his body is on Dan’s, pressing him into the mattress.

“Don't worry, you’re gonna love it,” he whispers, breathe hot against Dan’s neck.

He starts to panic now, trying to get out from underneath the guy. He tries to push himself up, to shift the body that’s weighing down on his.

“Look mate, I told you I’m not up for that. If you want to go again, you need to get another condom.”

There’s no response, only the feeling of his arms being pushed up over his head, his wrists held in one strong hand while the other reaches down to pull his arse cheeks apart.

“Hey! Get the fuck off of me!” Dan yells. He can feel the rage and frustration boiling up inside him. Who the fuck did this guy think he was? But in this position the other guy had all the advantage. He feels the brief pressure of the guy’s thick cock pressing against his entrance and then it slides in.

“You absolute cunt,” he hisses. The guy is fucking into him fast, panting into his ear. “Oh yeah, I knew you’d feel amazing. God, I'm gonna fill you up so good.”

It isn’t long before his movements start to stutter. “Fucking gonna come, gonna come inside you,” he groans, then goes stiff and grunts as he pushes into Dan one last time.

“Jesus,” he says, slumping down over Dan’s back. Dan doesn’t react, just lies there waiting. After a few moments, the guy pulls out, rolls off the bed, stands and stretches. “Gonna take a shower, you coming?”

“No, I - I’m good,” Dan hears himself say. The guy nods and heads out of the room.

Dan pulls himself up to a sitting position. He stands, finds his clothes, gets dressed. He leaves the flat and he starts walking. He doesn’t really pay attention to where he’s going, he just needs to be moving. He rubs his wrists, still feeling the phantom sensation of being held down, replaying that moment where he realised what was about to happen, the powerlessness of knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it.

His cheeks feel cold and he suddenly realises they are wet. He hadn’t noticed he was crying.

“Fuck,” he mutters to himself as he swipes angrily at his face. “Fuck!”

He arrives back at the flat an hour later. It’s 3am. He showers, he scrubs. He puts on his softest, rattiest old pyjamas. He dozes off for a couple of hours, then drags himself up and off to work, only half an hour late. It’s fine, he says to himself like a mantra throughout the day. Everything’s fine. No big deal. I’m going to be fine.


	2. Chapter 2

He gets in from work and goes straight to his room. He doesn’t know how many hours later it is when he opens the door to go for a piss and finds Phil loitering in the hallway.

Phil jumps, startled.

“Sorry, I was just about to knock!” he says, looking embarrassed.

Dan folds his arms, his lack of patience evident. “What do you need?”

Phil looks awkward. “Well, I was just going to say….we had an agreement that you wouldn’t smoke that stuff in the flat any more. I know it’s your life and you can get pissed or high or whatever you like, you’ve made that more than clear. It’s just, well, the smell you know? It’s really strong and it kind of gives me a headache and….”

Dan looks at him stony-faced until Phil’s words trail slowly to a halt.

“Is that it?” he asks in an arctic tone.

“Well I – “

“Great,” he says, and pushes past him to the bathroom.

*****

“So how’s life then, how’s things, what’s new?” Liam asks as he makes his way back from the bar and sets their drinks down on the table.

Dan picks up his, takes a long sip. He’s looking down at his hands, fiddling with his phone cover.

“Oh well. You know,” he says in a non-committal tone. He takes a deep breath. “Well, I’ve actually been going through a bit of a weird time lately,” he says, chancing a glance over at his friend’s face.

He doesn’t see the sympathy he might have hoped for. Liam is grinning over at him.

“Ah, going through a dry spell are you? Good looks fading now you’re the wrong side of 27? Grindr notifications just not coming through the way they used to?” He slaps Dan’s arm, laughing at his own joke.

Dan gives a weak chuckle and takes another swig of his drink.

“Yeah, something like that mate, something like that.”

*****

“Hello, Mr … Howell. If you’d like to come with me?”

Dan looks up from his phone at the nurse looking expectantly at him. He goes into the treatment room and follows her instruction to sit on the bed, handing her the clipboard and pen.

She scans over his form.

“So, it says here that you had unprotected sex two weeks ago?”

Dan swallows, feels a flush creeping up his neck.

“Um yeah. That’s right.”

“Do you mind if I ask whether this was with a regular partner or…”

“Oh, uh, no, it was er - ”

She interrupts him gently. “That’s fine. Well, we can run some tests today, but STDs can take some time to show up in the system so you’ll need to come back at a later date for a follow up.”

She hands Dan a leaflet entitled “Getting Tested: What you need to know”.

“OK, we’ll start with a urine test.”

*****

He stops off at the off licence on the way home. He realises he’s making a mental note of the places he’s buying his booze, making sure he doesn’t go to the same place too often, just like a fucking alcoholic. But it’s easier that way, no awkward questions or stupid jokes to laugh along with. Just a quick transaction, a tap of his debit card and a couple of bottles of vodka in return.

He tries not to think about what it means that he’s already planning how he can sneak down to the recycling bins and dump the empties next time Phil goes out.

*****

He’s outside the guy’s flat, sitting on the front steps, trying to psych himself up to knock on the door. He needs to do something with the rage that’s eating him up, needs to throw it the guys’ face, needs to make admit he was wrong, make him apologise.

Suddenly the door opens behind him. He jumps up and turns around. The guy is standing in the doorway, suited and booted in his work clothes – of course he’d be some kind of City wanker.

He’s frowning at Dan. “Oh it’s you. Look, it’s not cool to just show up unannounced, you should really message me first.” He pauses for a moment, considering. “But if you wanted to come in, I suppose you can. I’ve had a pretty shitty day, I could do with a bit of a distraction.” He steps back and opens the door wider.

Dan’s mouth is dry. He’s staring at the guy like an idiot. He wants to scream at him, wants to punch him, wants…to never have come here in the first place. He tries to speak, but the words won’t come.

The guy looks at him quizzically. “So, you coming in then?”

“No, I – “

“What?”

“I…I er,” he stutters

The guy looks at him for a moment, then makes a dismissive noise.

“Whatever, mate,” he says, stepping back into the hallway.

Dan can just hear “Fucking weirdo,” as the door shuts in his face.

*****

Phil is hovering again, this time showing up in the kitchen as Dan’s filling a glass with water to wash down the paracetamol he’d grabbed from the bathroom cabinet. Eventually, he speaks.

“Hey, I was wondering, did you um, have an accident or like, knock something over last night?”

“What?” Dan asks distractedly

“It’s just that I heard a kind of crashing sound from your room last night, and then I noticed…” Phil gestures towards Dan who looks non plussed “…your hand?”

Dan frowns and looked down to see what Phil’s on about. With the banging headache and barely contained nausea, he hasn’t even noticed the pain from the grazed and swollen skin on his knuckles until now.

He stares at them for what must have seemed like a little too long, then pulls himself together.

“Didn’t hear a thing mate, don’t know what you mean,” he says blandly, reaching past Phil to flip the switch on the kettle.

*****

Dan’s making his way slowly to his room, walking in that overly-careful way he does when he’s had too much to drink and every step feels precarious. He can smell something that makes his stomach rumble – pizza? He ducks his head into the kitchen, sees the box on the kitchen table, a scrawled note from Phil on the table next to it.

_Couldn’t finish it all – help yourself_

Dan rolls his eyes. His flatmate was allegedly allergic to dairy, but it hadn’t stopped him ordering a pizza big enough to feed a family of six. Fuck it, Dan can’t even remember the last time he’d eaten anything apart from cereal and toast. He grabs a couple of slices and heads back to his room.


	3. Chapter 3

He’d left work not long after lunch, claiming a migraine. He’d messaged an old hook up, someone he’d met up with a few times before, someone he felt safe with. He’d thought maybe that was the best way to put it all behind him, to push those memories out of his head with new ones.

It isn’t working. Is this what a panic attack feels like? No, it isn’t that he muses, but it’s…..something. Something not good. He can feel the hands on his hips, someone pressing into him, the sound of the headboard rhythmically knocking against the wall but he feels….nothing. A blank void. It’s happening, but it’s not really happening to him. He just happens to be in this body right now.

“God you’re so gorgeous,” the bloke says afterwards, running his hand along Dan’s side and smiling shyly at him. “I was hoping you’d get back in touch, we should definitely do this again.”

Dan doesn’t reply.

*****

He gets back to the flat. It’s not even 4pm. He gives himself a cursory rub over with a flannel, puts on sweatpants and a hoodie. He realises his phone is practically dead but he can’t find his charger anywhere. He heads into the living room, sees Phil’s plugged in by the sofa. He’s learned his lesson after countless lectures from Phil about touching his stuff, so he doesn’t unplug it but slumps into the corner of the couch and connects his phone.

He scrolls aimlessly, circling from one app to the next. He’s desperate for something to distract him, but nothing seems to be able to block out the endless thoughts and images that crowd into his mind. Memories of this afternoon and what happened three weeks ago mix and meld until he can’t seem to separate them out any more. Dan rubs a hand across his forehead. God, if only it would just be quiet in there, he thinks. What the fuck do I have to do just to get it to go quiet?

His phone drops down into his lap. He stares out of the window. He doesn’t even have the energy to peel himself off the sofa to hide in his room when he hears Phil coming in the front door.

Phil stops short when he walks into the living room. He’s used to pretty much having the communal spaces to himself even when Dan’s at home.

“Hey,” he says uncertainly.

Dan waves vaguely in response.

“Almost didn’t see you, sitting there in the dark.” Phil comments

Dan hadn’t really registered how late it was, that the sky is a deep navy blue and the street lights are lit.

Phil swings his rucksack off his shoulder and sets it down by the other end of the sofa. He stands there for a moment, the silence stretching between them.

Phil clears his throat. “Dan-“

Dan realises this is the last thing he wants to deal with right now. He pushes himself off the sofa, turns towards Phil. “Lost my charger, borrowed yours,” he says, deliberately talking over whatever his flatmate was starting to say. “It’s all yours now, if you need it,” he says as he goes to leave the room.

“Dan, wait!” Phil blurts out. “Please, I-“

Dan’s nearly into the hallway. He pauses, waiting to hear what Phil’s got to say even though he isn’t really sure why.

Phil sighs. “Look I’m not sure why exactly I’m bothering to ask because I’m pretty certain you hate me and you’re just going to tell me to fuck off but I just wanted to….is everything….are you OK? Because, well, you’ve been pretty weird lately to be quite honest, and it just seems like….”

Dan is staring at him blankly, and then the absurdity of Phil’s question hits him full force. Something starts to bubble up inside him, a strange, savage amusement and suddenly he’s laughing. He can’t control it, it bursts out of him, the tension he’s been carrying in his body for what feels like forever suddenly breaking. It isn’t funny, he doesn’t know why it’s happening but he can’t stop it.

“Am I….am I…” He’s hunched over, shoulders shaking. He can hardly catch his breath, let alone speak. ”Am I OK? Jesus Christ!”

That’s the point where the laughter starts to morph into something else. His throat hurts and his chest is heaving and then he’s crying, huge racking sobs that seem to convulse his whole body and a part of his brain is thinking about how embarrassed he’s going to be about it later but in the moment there’s nothing he can but let it happen.

He turns, leans his back against the wall, slides down to the floor ending up with his legs bent and his chin resting on his knees, and tries to get a grip of himself.

Phil is staring down at Dan, eyes wide, clearly having no clue how to react. He has a slightly guarded expression, like he’s still thinking this whole thing might be some kind of elaborate joke at his expense.

Dan slowly manages to get his breathing under control, and then he says what feels like the first honest thing he’s said to anyone in a long time.

“You know what? I’m not OK, I’m actually really really not OK.”

He hears a thump and looks over to see that it’s Phil less than graciously joining him on the floor, his face now full of concern.

“Would it help to like, talk about it? Or maybe - ” Phil pauses for a moment, seemingly unsure whether to continue. “I mean, I could get you a drink or…”

Dan snorts.

“Probably not a good idea, mate.”

“Oh right, no, I meant like a glass of water or….”

Dan shakes his head. There’s a silence, then he hears himself beginning to speak.

“I just….I fucked up,” he says, haltingly. “I mean, I just….I got myself in a situation and it seemed OK at first, well it was OK, it was fine you know, normal. I mean, maybe not to you because you don’t really…you know. Unless you do and I just don’t know about it but yeah, it was…fine, until all of a sudden it wasn’t.”

“OK,” Phil said carefully, clearly having no idea what Dan was talking about, but trying his best not to show it.

“It’s so stupid. I was stupid, I should have realised – “

Haltingly, the words come out. Dan can’t look over at Phil, he knows all it would take is seeing the slightest negative reaction, and he’d bottle it, clam up and try to shut it all away and he doesn’t want to do that. He needs to say all this, he needs to say it to someone, anyone really, just to try and stop it from going round and round in his brain.

His throat is sore, his head is aching but he carries on talking, letting is all spill out, the words tumbling over each other in his hurry to release them.

And then he’s done. It’s all out there in the open, everything that happened that night and everything he’s been doing to try and deal with it since.

He finally has the courage to bring his eyes up to meet Phil’s. He studies his face, trying to work out what might be going through his mind. He’s pretty sure he can have a good guess.

“I know this probably doesn’t come as too much of a surprise,” he says in a low voice. “You know how often I’m off out meeting up with different blokes and I’m sure you must be thinking that I had it coming but I just - “

Phil is frowning. “No,” he interrupts, looking taken aback. “I’m not.”

“What?”

“I wasn’t thinking that.” He’s shaking his head, looking earnestly at Dan. “I wasn’t thinking you had it coming, not with that guy or with anyone else. It’s….well, it’s rape, isn’t it? I mean, no one deserves that.”

Dan is staring at him numbly, one word reverberating in his mind. Rape. It hadn’t even occurred to him to think of it in that way. He’d gone there of his own free will, hadn’t he? He’d shagged the guy and then he’d stayed, and then he’d agreed when the guy wanted to do it again. It was just that it hadn’t happened the way he’d wanted it to, that was all. Rape was…it wasn’t like that, was it?

“Dan,” Phil says softly after a moment, breaking into his thoughts. “I’m sorry. I think that came out a bit more strongly than I’d intended but it sounded like you were blaming yourself and really, it wasn’t your fault. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do beforehand, when you tell someone to stop, that’s it. Anything after that is assault.”

Dan lets that sink in. Eventually, he lets out a sigh. “Fuck. I…wow. I hadn’t….” His voice wobbles, trails off. He tries out the words to himself in his head. I was raped. That guy raped me. It feels strange, but at the same time something is clicking into place. He swallows, then speaks.

“I couldn’t understand why it was affecting me so much, why I couldn’t just shake it off and move on. I hadn’t…I just hadn’t thought about it that way.” His voice trails off.

They sit there a while longer. It’s night time now, properly pitch dark in the living room but Dan can’t quite find it in himself to move, to break the moment.

Then the quiet of the room is broken by a loud gurgling noise. Phil jumps, looks embarrassed, puts a hand to his stomach.

“Sorry!” he says in a rush, looking mortified. “Just ignore that.”

Dan takes his phone out of his pocket and checks the screen.

“Jesus, when did it get so late?” he says, looking up in surprise.

Phil stretches his arms over his head, then clambers gets to his feet and offers Dan a hand to pull himself up.

“So I um, I picked up some chicken and a packet of stir fry on the way home,” he says uncertainly. “Would you like to share it? There’s enough for both of us.”

Dan’s not really sure he’ll be able to eat much, but he wants to show that he appreciates the offer.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, giving Phil a small smile. “That would be great. Thank you.”

They head to the kitchen. Phil starts rooting through the cupboards, pulling out pans and turning on the hob. Dan offers to help but Phil insists that he's fine, so Dan takes a seat and just chips in with the odd slightly sarcastic comment. The food is surprisingly tasty, and he manages to get through almost all of what Phil piles onto his plate.

It's strange Dan thinks, to be sitting and sharing a meal with Phil after the months of coldness that have been there between them. He isn’t really sure if this tentative reprieve will last, but right now, Dan reckons it’s exactly what he needs.


End file.
